In South Africa a café isn’t what you might think it is. And what’s a robot again?
Sidharth Monga28-Dec-2010December 12
Birds. Not Mandela, not other wildlife, not heat, not rain, birds are the first thing about South Africa. Sit in the balcony and listen to various kinds. It’s like they are talking. Arun Lal not here to identify them, but it is a sweet sound. Also missing are crows, one’s alarm clocks in Mumbai.December 13
“Zuma behaving like an idiot is embarrassing.” The statement draws attention to the radio. It’s Talk 702, from the sound if it, one of the most independent radio stations around. Said statement being quoted from listener feedback. Many more uncharitable things follow. All aimed at the president and corruption. is one of the station’s signature features. Newsreader can’t control laughter while reading an unprintable bit of feedback. Pretty similar to Brian Johnston’s reaction to “Ian Botham just couldn’t quite get his leg over.” The number 702 was once cut into Fanie de Villiers’ hair when he lost a bet to the radio station that South Africa would beat Sri Lanka in an ODI in Nairobi.December 14
Sportspeople must love Johannesburg. Open spaces all around. Green. Lush. Looks greener now that it’s raining. When the sun comes out, it goes from teeth-clattering cold to burning hot. Never seen weather change so much so fast.December 15
Pass Highjack High Point on the way from Johannesburg to Centurion, the venue of the first Test. It is a narrow street that links Route R101 to Centurion. The Indian team doesn’t know, but its campaign is about to be hijacked.December 16
Dingaan’s Day. In 1838, 600 Boers asked Zulu ruler Dingaan for land, which he promised them if they would help him recover some cattle kidnapped by a hostile tribe. The Boers did so, but instead of reward were beaten to death by Dingaan’s Zulus. Later that year, on December 16, the Boers had their revenge, killing over 3000 Zulus on the banks of Natal’s Blood River. And while there is no blood on the pitch here in Centurion, Dale Steyn and Morne Morkel, all charged up, take nine Indian wickets in 38.1 overs. Welcome to South Africa. Ulwamkelo.December 17
Walk into Corlett Drive Café for a late lunch, only to realise café here means convenience store and not a coffee shop. Strategically located next to the robot. Robot is the most popular slang term in the country. For the uninitiated: traffic signals. Robot policemen, you see? Also, at dinner, realise peppers mean capsicum here.Also note that people say “sorry” when someone is standing in their way. Perhaps they mean “excuse me”. Perhaps too much politeness all round.December 18
Saturday night. Even South African TV has shows for insomniacs. Easy quiz question – in this case, to pick three odd swans out from a grid of similar-looking swans – and call a number that puts you through to live TV. Catch being, you never get through, and you are charged exorbitant prices while you try. And the ones who get through are fraudulent. Proof of the fraud? Last seen on an Indian station: they showed half of Sachin Tendulkar’s face but no one could identify him. This lady deals a low blow too: “It’s Saturday night and you are watching TV. You could sure do with a few extra rands.” Ouch.December 19
Stuck in hailstorm. Out of money. Late in the night. Time to shut down press box too. Hotel about 40km away. Good time, then, for Ettiene de Bruyn to turn up. Played one first-class game for Northerns. Owns a hospitality suite at SuperSport Park: shelter from the storm. Wonderful host. Massive sports fan. Gifts a South African flag. Will see him next at the next Eden Gardens Test, no matter who is playing. Uitsekend.December 20
No India tour is complete without an MS Dhoni wisecrack. In 2010 he has seen – from the other end – Tendulkar get to the first-ever double-hundred in ODIs, and also his 50th Test century, both off a South Africa bowler, both through a squirt into the off side. Second of those has come in a defeat. What does he talk about to Tendulkar in the lead-up? “Whenever two batsmen get together in the middle and talk, often from outside you think they are talking something very intelligent. It’s not always the case.”Keep wicket to Fanie de Villiers in the nets at his home. Matting wicket that says “Tour de Fanie”. A reference to his cycling trip from Cape Town to Centurion to raise money for charity for the deaf. Keeps bowling well down the leg side. Blames the keeper, who has to avoid a bowling machine at leg slip, for not doing his job. Fast bowlers.December 21
Johannesburg airport. Waiting for flight to Durban. Find a bookstore where Nelson Mandela and Herschelle Gibbs jostle for space. Reminded of reason for carrying a copy of all the way to South Africa. Gibbs famously compared his literary effort to Andre Agassi’s. Want to gift Gibbs a copy of . Not sure he has read it.It’s Nelson v Hersch season in the bookstores•Getty ImagesDecember 22
Durban. “Our pool is the Indian Ocean,” says a cab company. More alive than Johannesburg. Has to be the breeze. Get rid of the fear psychosis created by hotel staff in Johannesburg [“Sir, we are not letting you walk at this time of the night. It’s not safe.”] Walk down the hill in Morningside. Walk along the Indian Ocean. Witness the most brilliant, most awesome lightning, which keeps flashing on and off for a half hour. Never seen so much lightning for so little rain. Will see more lightning over the next week. City of Blinding Lightning.December 23
Meet Ahmed Amla, Hashim’s older brother and a cricketer himself. Intelligent person, knows how the world outside cricket works. Witty too. Like other South Africans of Indian origin, doesn’t identify with India or crave for it. One definitive trait shows, though. “I always tell them I am not good at rugby because there is not enough skill involved in the game.”December 24
Contrary to what people say, public transport does exist in Durban. Get into a and pay four rands, as opposed to 50 for a cab, to get to Kingsmead.Virender Sehwag and Gautam Gambhir start walking back to the team hotel after training. The security people panic. Sehwag hears the word “danger” and goes, “No, there is no danger. We are the most dangerous batsmen in the world.” Reminiscent of how he threatened to go on a drive in the team bus in New Zealand last year.December 25
Obrigado. Means “thank you” in Portuguese. In South Africa, a magazine on pop culture, self-avowedly “a shot across the bows of dull media”. A piece on the Dutch Reformed Church says, “What’s the point of a church without Satan? It’s a little like the Springboks turning up for a tri-nations match and realising they’ve misplaced the All Blacks.” If pop means popular, sport is the most popular culture in the country. Part of every discussion.December 26
“Man’s Emigration Certificate”. A photograph of a rescued document from the 19th century. Indian indentured labourer’s identity card in the country. Topless man stands with a number card in his hand for the photograph. “I certify that we have examined and passed the above-described man as fit for emigration as an agricultural labourer.” And thus the “Man” arrived in South Africa.